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I’m back ….. hopefully

Dear Diary,

It has been ages since I wrote something. Not that things weren’t cooking in my head. Been an emotional roller coaster. I think i need to stop working towards a perfect everything. I need to just stop worrying. I sleep like I’m drugged. I wake up with nightmares . Death on all sides. I have forgotten the time i saw a beautiful dream. Each day has been painfully long.

I’m so scared that sometimes I keep checking every locks twice. Is it locked? Is the spare key with mom? Water near my bed. Blanket if it becomes too cold and a bed sheet if it becomes too hot.

Lately, I’ve started forgetting simple things. Where did I keep my keys ? What did I have for lunch ? What clothes did i wear yesterday ?

The sunshine is the new diet thingy… They call it keto. I’ve tried it. the 5th month was good. No more sleep. I can’t sleep for more than 4 hrs. But I feel super charged. Less forgetting things .. .. ..

I’ve learnt to eat alone. I don’t spend much time with my family doing things. My patience has returned . Tho not completely. I’ve got to start functioning as a human. Deal with my shit and all

Lastly, ive been giving a thought of colouring my hair. I’ve got a lot of whites flying around. I thought going natural would be awesome. But I have realised that I am not just ready for that ….

I used to keep munching everything I get. Lately, I just don’t feel hungry. And appetite has dwindled …

PS : starting keto with a coach now. A professional, lets see where it leads to . I have never been so eager for a diet. Lets see  .. .. ..

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It’s ok to be in touch with your own madness

There are many things in life worth doing ….. not just running after those bloody dreams of yours …. not that its wrong. It isn’t wrong . At least not entirely …


But you know what’s better ??? Simple gestures in life. Maybe holding the door open for a person , maybe a smile and a greeting, maybe a “can I help you ?” or “Is there any way I can make this journey easy for you ?”


All of us are here, racing like there is no tomorrow… As if there is a time limit for everything in this world…. We are much happier if someone with a higher goal would reach down to us and help us through patiently when we are literally blind to the new world. We always praise these super humans on how they slowed down their pace just to accommodate us , to help us … These help might not be just physical, material or tangible sometimes its more than that … Sometimes it means walking with them physically or maybe emotionally through their nightmares … showing them that the bogeyman does exist but its a simple matter of who is the bogeyman , and in most of the cases the bogeyman is just a flimsy outer covering to a core of nothing . Sometimes you find it so funny of what the other person is afraid off, that every one finds it easy to point out that nothingness, but i guess if you cud just hold that person and assure him and maybe walk along the lines of his fear and try to decode it, it would give a long-term effect ….


Compassion is not just another word in the dictionary . Compassion is never a weakness …. Compassion comes from within your glorious space … Its taking a ray of that beautiful sunshine within you and lighting up a dark alley … It’s a giving without a “I need something back in return” policy …


It’s beautiful to be a little sensitive and its beautiful to be a little compassionate … It’s beautiful to say no and its beautiful to say why so … Its beautiful to put forward the favor you have returned …


It’s ok to be in touch with your own madness. . . . . .


Always remember , little things go a long way …

Georgia – Gergeti Trinity Church ~ Mount Kazbegi ~ Woman in the red sari

We were on the way to Gergeti Trinity Church near Mount Kazbegi. The way seems cute … mountains on either sides. Horses , sheep , cows wild and free (with the horses please think the below mentioned scene from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara )ZNMD - horse.pngThe way is studded with small stalls for wine, natural honey, churchkhela and yes blessed with free drinkable water right from the mountains (snowmelt) as google describes this. Our driver cum local tour guide, Mr. Kaha is busy explaining these to my dad in his broken English . Well it’s literally kadhakali when we try to convey what we want to each other, but it was fun. Because you literally had to understand the emotions conveyed with hand symbols to understand whats happening. Mom and chakkara has been given the liberty of second seat , and 3rd row goes to paru, kannan and me (windowless – for added security reason = kannan).

I’m just lying back on the seat and wondering “who ever is anti-vampire, anti-twilight needs to be shown these mountains… because it’s just as described in the book. The beautiful pines as thick as me , taller than… well 4 times me… ” . The air starts getting cold abruptly, and the “I don’t think I need a sweater in Georgia during summer” changes to  “i wish had taken my sweater with me” .. so around 45 min drive and Kaha explains that we need to change out vehicle. A minivan doesn’t go up the mountain only jeeps … So we get a decent one for 70 lari. I was so in awe of the mountains that I failed to understand that the road uphill wont be tarred road.

But not to worry, when realization hits in 1 min [where all of us jumping like electrocuted rabbits]I’m worried for mom as she has spondylitis and a few more bone problems and a 4 yrs old laughing and screaming because everyone is jumping around the seats. So all I can do is stuff the 4 yrs old, hug him and lock him as much as possible just to prevent unwanted complications and pray that mom doesn’t get too sick … So after 30 min of this uphill jumping journey, we finally get a glimpse of the Church.

Gergeti_Trinity_Church - outside 2

This is what waits you after enduring a jumping session in a jeep for 30 min. Awestruck by the view I think all the pains and bruises forming was literally wiped out. And well, do you see those white jeeps parked, we too parked at the exact same spot. By this time all of our joint have been frozen and it took a min to unfreeze and get out and stretch except, kannan was fast asleep . Kaha  and the new driver were literally stunned and couldn’t understand how he could sleep in such a jumpy situation, to which I sheepishly smiled and they burst out laughing …. Kaha helped me with kannan but by then he woke up and was happy with the view … Each time kannan says “wow!!” is cute … and with the same amount of cuteness he jumped around screeching “wow, beautiful” … Then Kaha informs us that we need to walk up to the church. The hope ballooned in me just bursted. In closeup the way upwards looks like this pic
Gergeti_Trinity_Church - outside
So then with multiple stops, breathless protest and pushing and pulling each other we finally arrive at the top. We all stop there to catch our breath, but our little horsey “kannan” is all ready to keep zipping around the whole place.

So we get into this church which is 14th century church and it was beautiful .. Serene and calm and cozy .. everything a religious place ought to be…

This place is blanketed by beautiful clouds, and the feeling is something similar to when you listen to Puthu Vellai Mazhai. Then after a few snaps, here and there we head downwards. Again multiple stops and protest and all … Finally when were back to the vehicle parking area catching up rather wheezing , this lady comes up to my mom and request for a pic …

Ah !! a little something about my amma. She is the camera-shy person, who wouldn’t mind murdering us if we take her pics without permission. So when she actually consents to be in front of those lens, we try to click away as much as possible.

So she is baffled,dad is frozen we hold our breaths for mom to explode, and the newcomer is quite insistent. She rather pleads “I love this dress (sari), I love India , I always wanted to have a picture of a lady with this dress , plz plz plz plz …. ” Mom is rather shocked and stunned that people noticed her. [we did have a few people asking us “India ??” and giving us cute stares and nudging their co-travellers to stare at mom . She didn’t think much at that time and just nodded and smiled at them] and finally the girl comes to me to ask permission for a pic which i generously nodded yes .. how else can I get that shocked look on my mom’s face. Then it was kodak moment …

My clumsiness literally got to the newcomers co-traveller to come and put his phone on burst mode or something that it just goes”click-click-click-click-click-click”

Here we all went nuts,laughing out and kannan stomped on horse poop for fun … Then it was cleaning the poop-off time .. .. ..

After thoughts : I should have kept calling  5 lari for a pic with the lady in red sari … I would have made a good amount for a night’s stay at Atlantis ….

A snap of the woman in red, taken sneakily by dad
sneaky.JPG

PS :: This is an attempt on travelogue , my very first one, so please be nice !!
PSS :: been quite busy and will try documenting our little journey in parts .. Only the last pic is mine the rest is all from google

back at you !!

Sometimes life has a freaking sneaky way of getting back at you ….
They make you sit down at a cross-road, open your bag of … and make you decide what to carry on and what to leave behind….

I am not sure of the way ahead, all I know is

  • I have to limit myself from Facebook as much as I currently do .
  • I need to remove my profile from LinkedIn . It’s not going to help me anymore (who ever said that site is good to get jobs were dumb and need to be hanged upside down till they come back to their sense).
  • I need to start doing things what matter most.
  • Need to declutter my life from memories and useless bonds.
  • I really need to sort out my wardrobe .
  • I need to stop lying to myself and find out how to whip myself when I toss over what I need .
  • I need to .. .. .. .. well, that’s as much I can share as of now.
  • And not to forget “WEED MY RELATIONSHIP GARDEN” .. .. ..

50 shades of commitment ~ jumbled thoughts

Life is just so unpredictable, sometimes its just plain. 50 shades of grey doesn’t come easily and usually at a cost. And the only place it comes without invitation and free of cost is on my head.

I’ve been married for 5 months, and I don’t understand why there wasn’t a commitment. I’ve been across a few men and there too this “commitment” factor was off the shelf.

Its leaves me questioning love and the rosy glass phase.  So here I am looking at my rosy glasses and contemplating what to do with it …

A segment from a chat yesterday, left me with nightmares … the harmless sentence went ” When a guy loves a girl he is for her forever.. .. .. .. Commitment towards her

But this just got the clock ticking, it makes me feel miserable. Miserable, thinking of all those stupid relationships , especially my marriage. So there was some commitment but not the required shade maybe …. I just want to think like that because I think that keeps my sanity in a better place. I wonder what I did to receive such a beautiful shade of the same.

Commitment comes with every relation. And marriage is a different form because that’s the only relation which is present on a piece of paper. I don’t know why men marry if they didn’t want commitment. I don’t know why married men want to sleep around with other ladies . I don’t understand why people have to be so cruel. I would love to figure out how they made themselves immune to other’s feelings . I, for once, would like to think how to be like them. Commitment-free …

50 Shades of commitment ?? 50 shades of …. meh !

Finally 30 !! ahem … 30 n 3 days

I’ve always thought 30 was a beautiful place to be .. I had a lot of plans for “30” ..

But i guess i have a whole year to get them done. Being 30 feels so – normal. Just another working day. Just another day . . . ! I have always celebrated the Malayalam b’day. Its fun because its like a surprise . Every year its a new date. So this year it was on a Friday ! Then i have my official DOB : that’s 20 Aug .

Over all nothing major happened. The only funny thing was that I forgot my Malayalam b’day, and that’s new.

So now since I am 30, according to the standards set by adults I have to be mature, intelligent, gentle and wise. Well all the very best to me

And that’s a wrap for today !!